The Five Different Types of Cancer Support in Your Friend Circle
This post was inspired by a recent podcast episode by "Besties with Breasties." What great episode filled with raw, real examples of how friends show up (or don't) when someone in their circle is diagnosed with cancer. I highly recommend following them and diving into their episodes.
Every person in our life has certain “superpowers” in the type of support they can offer us. Additionally, we can hold strong to Biblical principles when looking at this topic, and also consider how the 5 Love Languages comes into play. If you're familiar with the 5 Love Languages, they include:
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
The Emotional Friend: A Shoulder to Cry On
Oftentimes, we expect emotional support from everyone in our friend group, but not everyone is gifted or equipped in this area. An emotional friend is a shoulder to cry on when you need to. Some people are really good at this, and they show it by listening without trying to "fix it" or "take the pain away." You can tell if someone is not cut out to be your "emotional friend" if they feel the need to rescue you from the pain that you're going through. This “fixing” approach often isn’t the most helpful because it's truly beyond anyone's control to fix or eliminate what you're walking through on your cancer journey.
Biblical Truth: In Galatians 6:2, the Bible says, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
5 Love Languages: This friend is a beautiful mixture of Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and even Physical Touch (think touching your shoulder or wrapping their arms around you). This friend is able to use several Love Languages to express love in ways that feel emotionally supportive to you.
The Informational Friend: Nerding Out for Your Benefit
Informational Friend: In the podcast, the hosts describe this kind of friend as the “problem solver” who does the heavy lifting of researching for you, gathering resources, organizing a spreadsheet with clinical trials, etc. This friend is likely analytical and logical in their personality and nature, so they're better able to harness their superpowers to gather important information you need.
Cancer is overwhelming, and the amount of information coming at you with the type of cancer you have, the stage it's in, and the treatment options...it's all too much to sort through on top of dealing with the shock and awe of the diagnosis! Let your informational friends work their geeky magic to help get some solid facts in your hands. You can tell them what you're looking for (give them their marching orders), and let their fingers do all of the talking.
Biblical Truth: Proverbs 1:5 says, "...let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance..."
5 Love Languages: This type of friend is strong in the areas of Acts of Service and Quality Time. Their quality time is spent working hard to gather the information they feel will be most helpful to you, while literally showing you their love through their actions.
The Social Friend: The One Who Gets You Laughing
Social Friend: The social friend is the one who brings lightness, levity, and laughter into your life. They offer fun-filled experiences that get you smiling...and maybe even forgetting for just a little while what you're going through. Making you laugh brings them joy, and that's the best way they can think of to lighten your load.
Did you know that laughter really can be the "best medicine?" In his amazing real-life story, Norman Cousins laughed his way back to health from a diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis, a degenerative inflammatory disease of the connective tissue and spine. He is now considered the pioneer of the biology of positive emotions.
Biblical Truth: The Bible talks about laughter in many places including in Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Laughter is a sign of strength & dignity in us!
5 Love Languages: This type of friend is likely your "quality time" person who wants to be there for you in the ways they know how to show up best. Humor, laughter, and fun are their defining strengths, and they get you out of the slump and into enjoying life.
Kimberly B. Virrueta, MS, LMFT
The Esteem Friend: The One with the Pom Poms
Esteem Friends: These are your biggest cheerleaders and encouragers, telling you, “You can do this!” and "I believe in you!" As one of the podcast hosts so beautiful described, this type of friend "helps pull you forward." What a beautiful image that comes to mind when I hear that. I imagine someone sitting on a horse, but the horse doesn't know the rider, so it refuses to budge. Along comes your esteem friend, who is the person that trained the horse and has already built trust with it. Lovingly and gently, your friend walks up to the horse, takes the reins, and says, "Hep!" The horse knows what to do and starts moving forward with your friend at the helm.
Biblical Truth: This type of friend will encourage you to keep up your faith and hope when yours is faltering. Romans 12:6-8 says, "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."
5 Love Languages: The esteem friend excels in the area of giving Words of Affirmation. They understand how important words are; the "tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21). This type of friend speaks life into your life, encouraging you through the darkest times. They may be your best prayer warriors & Bible study partners.
The Action Friend: The One Who "Gits Her Done"
Action Friend: This is the friend who organizes your meal trains, starts a GoFundMe campaign while you're off work, provides rides, and generally does things that make your life easier. The action friend shows up to do a load of laundry, clean your house, get groceries or run errands. In the days and weeks after your diagnosis, everyone goes into "crisis mode", so many friends will show up to help out, and that's a really beautiful thing. But have you heard of "Cancer Ghosting?" It's what happens when the perceived crisis is over, and friends assume that life is getting back to "normal" for you and your family. In reality, that's the furthest thing from the truth, but this is usually when action friends begin to drop like flies.
Biblical Truth: Romans 12:10 says, "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." This verse is a wonderful example of what love looks like in action with consistency. Devotion is defined by Merriam Dictionary as "The act of dedicating oneself to a cause, activity, or person, characterized by strong love, loyalty, or care." What a wonderful way to receive the blessing of Jesus' command to "Love one another as I have loved you" by having a devoted action friend in your life!
5 Love Languages: This is your "Acts of Service" and "Receiving Gifts" friend who shows her love by doing things for you & giving practical gifts you can use right now. Of all the friends described in this podcast, this is the most important one for me, personally. When you're not feeling up to "doing" anything, having friends there to fill in the gaps is just the biggest blessing I can think of.
What to Do When You Don't Get the Type of Support You Need
What do you do if friends aren't showing up in the ways you need them to...or maybe you don’t get any help at all? My best advice is to state your needs & know your circle.
What types of friends are in your life (using the 5 mentioned here)? Once you match them up with their strengths & abilities, it's time to speak up and advocate for yourself. We encourage each other to advocate for ourselves both in societal terms and as a cancer patient...but why not in the realm of our friendships, as well?
State your needs: As so wisely mentioned in the podcast episode that inspired my post, avoid the trap of placing expectations on people to “show up in the ways I need them to.” Instead, let their strengths shine in the areas where they excel naturally. This can look like seeing a post from a friend on Instagram and noticing that they brought a meal to a friend who is recovering from surgery. Now you know your friend's superpower is "action friend," and you can let her know if you have similar needs (for example, maybe she can start a meal train for you).
Lots of friends may passively say, "Let me know if you need anything," and then go about their day. If you need something, it's up to you to clearly ask for what you need if the offer is on the table. Tip: You can have a running list of personal, family, and household needs so that you can ask friends (and family) to fill in those gaps for you.
“You have not because you ask not.” That Bible verse in context is talking about asking God for what we need according to His will. Well, if you think about it, that concept could easily apply here, too. Pray to the Lord for your friends & family to show up with support in all of the ways that you need. Our God, Jehovah Jireh, is the God of provision, and He will meet ALL of your needs! Ask the Lord to use the people in your life to support you through this season.
Tips from a Therapist on How to Get Your Needs Met
Clarify your physical needs for yourself & your family: Is it meals, cleaning up around the house, getting the kids to soccer practice, hitching a ride to a medical appointment in the middle of the day, etc.? You can divide your list of needs into these three categories: physical, emotional, and spiritual to help you organize your needs so your loved ones can divide and conquer.
Clarify your emotional needs for yourself & your family: If you need some quiet time to process everything, ask a friend to take your kids to the park, over to their house for a play date, etc. If your little one loves story time, but you’re not feeling up for it, you can ask a friend to take them to the library for story time or come over to do it at home with little fanfare. If you need alone time with your spouse, ask someone to pick up the kids so you can have that quiet space together for uninterrupted conversation.
Consider seeing a licensed counselor or therapist if you're finding it hard to manage your stress, you're feeling hopeless, or you need a safe place to talk about things you don't feel you can share with your loved ones.
Clarify your spiritual needs for yourself:
If you need time in the Word, read the Bible or listen to it on audiobook; listen to a Christian podcast for believers going through cancer
Work on a prayer Bible
Watch a sermon on YouTube
Listen to worship music playlist and focus on praising the Lord
Ask a friend or family member to do a Bible study with you on a topic that feels helpful to you; joy in trials, hope, prayer, fear/anxiety, etc.
Call a trusted Christian family member, friend, or elder in the church and be encouraged by them
If you are in need of counseling support, I'm here for you. Get in touch today for a 15 minute intro call so we can get to know each other. I look forward to the blessing of getting to know you and for the opportunity to support you.
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Kimberly B. Virrueta, MS, LMFT // Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #148148 (California) // Employed at Institute of Advanced Studies
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